My Pleasure Project

How I hope to feel as a result of clearing what no longer serves and supports me is lighter and more grounded. A lot more breath and fluidity What I hope to let go of is this panic sensation in my solar plexus, my driving fury, objects that hold too much stuck energy. What I hope to attract is more and more and more moments of breath and beauty and quiet and fullness and sensation and love and prosperity.

My last two years have been dedicated to my Desires. It was quite clear to me at the end of 2016 that I was lacking desire in my life. I decided to do something about it. Since then, I have been on many excursions and tried many (MANY) different things. I have traveled and workshopped and danced and connected and disconnected on so many levels. It's been quite amazing. I am still working on my desires-recognizing them, cultivating them, asking for them to be met-but I thought I would share some of what I've learned: 1. It is imperative to acknowledge your desires. In one of the workshops I attended, we did an exercise called the Asking Practice. We wrote over and over on a page (filling in the blanks) "I could ask ____ for ____." What I found in doing this practice day after day is it unclogged my pipes. The idea is that having a desire needs to be recognized. What you do with the desire is a whole different story. "I could ask Bob to clean my ceiling ...

I was just enjoying some of my round body parts today. It started with my belly. Often I've looked a it with disdain. But I really enjoyed the curving roundness today. It looks touchable. Then I added my other roundest parts just for fun.

It's always interesting to learn a little about yourself, evolve some, and then go spend time with your parents. I spent the last two days with my parents - specifically mother and step-father (with whom I grew up). Mostly I noticed things about myself that I got from them. One, from my perspective, the pleasure my parents experience is stark. Definitely that's more true for Tim (the step-dad). My mom seems to surround herself with things that bring her happiness, even though aesthetically they're not very cohesive (to me). But Tim goes for function before else, and maybe only. Me feeling comfortable surrounding myself with things I think are beautiful, or even developing a sense of style have been years of work. I learned that I learned to avoid crowds, but really just avoid people, from them. I recognized I'm not comfortable settling in my body around them. Part of that is because I know they're not comfortable with my body. Add my own discomfort with my...

The last two days, my Pleasure Practice has been to tune in over and over again to my pleasure. I'm learning that pleasure has a lot to do with not resisting what's going on. And there have been some moments that are more difficult. And there have been moments where I've gotten really turned on and felt strong from that. This is not the most articulate post, but I want to keep posting. I'd rather be inarticulate and honor my process than not post anything at all.  Today, I feel a little like it will be hard to keep up with these practices because I'm like an island right now.

Today I flew home from NY to Phoenix. On the plane, in between naps, I attempted to stay tuned in to my turn-on. What this ended up meaning was interpreting my sensations as stimulating and sensual rather than uncomfortable. This was a very interesting experience and experiment. What I learned: 1. I don't have to do anything to be turned on except decide to be turned on 2. This is way out of my norm, and actually the opposite of how I've been deciding to live for about 6 years now 3. I repeatedly have resistance come up that feels like I don't have permission to be turned on 4. In the last 30 minutes of the flight I decided to give up and just revert to whatever sensation came without effort. I was cold, cramped and anxious to be off the plane. And I wondered, why is this the experience I keep choosing when I could learn to flex my muscle and live in the turned on place? There were definitely more things, and I'm sure they'll surface again to be written ...